Finding words...

I can not find the right words to tell you this.

I can not tell you how much it hurts me to tell you this.

With every person I tell, it becomes more real.

I want to wake up from this dream.....

The only thing reminding me this is real is the pain in my chest.

My body is aching.

My heart is in pieces.

I do not want to do this.

I have never felt this empty,

and lost

and broken.

Max's parents went and got him...

Not Debbie and Paul... his biological parents.

Meaning, we can not adopt him!

I have never heard so much devastation in a voice as I did when I rang mom.

When she told me we couldn't get him.

And what makes me angry is that I can't even hold her and tell her its ok!

A year of trying to bring him home... and we were so close! :'(

I am happy he has a family to love him right now, but I was so sure God intended it to be us.

It is like losing a child

.... a brother.

MY baby brother!

I am numb at times.

It seem so unreal,

But then it sets in.

I am never going to hold him,

or love him.

Its not fair.

Its not fair I can't hold Debbie.

Its not fair I'm not there.

Its not fair they took him away from us.

But, we are trusting in God as much as we can.

I am NOT judging his parents,

and I am praying they love him as much as we do.

We are grieving. We just lost our baby boy.

Please pray for Max...

that he is being loved and adored,

like he deserves.

Pray for our family...

we are so lost,

so empty.

Thank you all for your love and support,

it means so much to us.

Influences and Role Modles

Before I begin, please know that I am not writing this post to offend anyone, but I do believe I have the right to voice my opinion like everyone else :)

The power of being an influence on someone is a big responsibility. The way you chose to act can influence the way others act. You are their role model, and their actions reflect yours.

I have had people, older and younger, look up to me. Often, its not so much my actions that they admire, but my heart. They are smart enough to pick out my strengths and let that part of me influence them, not my flaws.

We ALL have flaws and weakness'. That is what makes us human. None of us are perfect, or close to it.

In relation to me; I know people on my facebook page admire the way I help orphans. This pride allows them to adopt my habits. Well, some of them. They see that I help orphans and they like it. They admire it. And they follow it.

So what when they see that I have gone out that weekend and had a few drinks?

They admire me, right? Does that mean they are going to adopt ALL my habits?

Yes, I have flaws. Yes, they see that. No, they don't follow that.

By admire me, they admire my strengths, not my weakness.

So, going from a teenage girl who has the power to influence a few, to a superstar who has the power to influences millions....

You all know I LOVE LOVE LOVE Katy Perry.

And yes, I admire her very very much.

Does that make ME a bad person?

Does that make HER a bad person?

...no

"You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow"

Now, that is a positive thing, right? I don't see how AT ALL that can be taken in a negative way.

So, we admire a strength. Its there, in an entire song! Encouraging people to stand up for what they believe in. It is influential. It is powerful. It is amazing.

Yet, read this...

(Since its release on October 28, 2010, the official “Firework” music video has had nearly 220 million hits on YouTube. The lyrics certainly sound inspirational – “You don’t have to feel like a waste of space. You’re an original, cannot be replaced.” Yet when one views the video, amidst all the other story lines you will see a young man off by himself in the club…only to have his “firework” burst out of him – giving him courage to walk across the room and kiss another guy. The message being conveyed here is that it’s okay to express yourself – even when those expressions are morally wrong. Is that really the ‘inspiration’ today’s teenagers need?)

Well, YES! It is the inspiration we need! We NEED to know it's ok to express how we feel. And morally wrong... to you yes, but clearly not to that person! WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT BELIEFS! That doesn't mean you should be going telling someone that they are doing the wrong thing. I'm not going to get into the whole gay marriage thing. This is not about that. Its about influences. Its about these lyrics. Yes they influence. Yes, they may be morally wrong to you, but not to the people Katy Perry is aiming this song at.

So, how about when we switch the song?

"I kissed a girl and I liked it"

Well, it may be morally wrong to you, but to others its a bit of fun.

I'm sorry, but its the truth.

Katy Perry talks about going out and getting drunk every Friday night.

Morally wrong again? That is to YOU!

We CAN pick and choose what parts of people we want to be influenced by.

We can choose if we actually want to follow the message they are implying in the song, or weather we just actually like the song.

My advice?

Always live up to YOUR morals. NOT someone Else's.

Choose what you admire about them and set your own standards.

Live your life to please yourself. Not your best friend. Or your idol.

Having the power to influence is a great responsibility, but we can not spend our lives worrying if we are going to influence people in the wrong way.

Live to your standard, follow your heart and dreams.

Read this post and take away what you found to be the postive parts. If you didn't find it postive in any way then look at it as a waste of time, I really don't care.

Just know, that what people are influenced by is in their hands, not yours, so don't live your life for them!

My little fishy!

Brittany Rubie,

Sweet 16 is a high point in life
When your future really starts
Your personality is so strong
Your love is in our hearts
The road to your future looks sunny and bright
You have many exciting choices coming shortly ahead
You will always have us here by your side
We all wish you the very best in life
May the steps you take be filled with joy
And your future lie untold
With happiness and mistakes
So enjoy it
your sixteen years old!

Happy 16 sixteenth to my beautiful, amazing bestest friend!

Britt, you are the most kind hearted person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, and I am so very very blessed to be able to call you my friend!

I have never met anyone like you before.

The way you love everyone for who they are is amazing, and inspiring!

You give me a reason to wake up every morning with a smile, know I get to spend 5 out of 7 days a week with you!

As much as I dread going to school, knowing you are there, with your beautiful smile and bubbly personality brightens my days!

You are always smiling and never take anything for granted.

You see the world in a way I have never seen anyone look at it... and that is what I love most about you. The way you appreciate everyone and everything.

We share so many great memory's together, and I look forward to the many more coming.

From pranks at camp, peeing in bushes, photo shoots, parties, cute little picnics, Chrissie's one year anniversary down at the lake, motorbike riding, burlesque dancing, chills down the lake....

Every single second we spend together means the absolute world to me.

You have been there for me through thick and thin and I hope you can say the same about me.

Enjoy your birthday, sweet girl!

Keep living your life with your amazing personality and gorgeous smile!

I absolutely adore you, Brittany Rubie.

I adore your smile,

Your attitude,

The way you make everyone around you happy,

Those beautiful blue eyes,

Your silly lil giggle,

The way we can talk about anything... no matter how embarrassed or scared we are,

The way you love,

and most of all.... your perfect and loving heart!

Happy Sweet Sixteenth

Two girls touching my heart

I'll start with Maddy.
I have been meaning to post about her for a while now, but I never seem to find the time to sit down and gather thoughts with matching words.
Maddy is in year seven and came into my life almost a year ago on her orientation day at my school. The program that transitioned children from primary to high school.
My first interaction with her was because she wet her pants. So I took her and cleaned her up. And it happened again. And again. Seven times that day.
But I was determined to get Maddy through that first day in High School.
She came back each week with a group of 'high maintenance kids' who I worked with to help them cope with the transition. Each week I saw improvement in them all, but particular Maddy. Yes, there were times when it was hard. There are times when it is still hard. There are times when I want to rip my hair out and scream.
Maddy's transition was better then I had ever hoped for. The first few days she hung around me, but before my eyes I watched her make friends, learn to use social skills, and become more independent.
A few week's ago we took the year seven's on a camp. It was a BLAST! I will post a ton of pictures soon! But... Maddy did FANTASTIC!
The plan was... We would put Maddy with a few other girls to sleep in the tent, like every other child. I would sleep near the teachers cabin and the tent and check on Maddy every few hours to make sure everything was OK. Maddy would know to come get either Miss Bridge or myself if anything was wrong.
Well, our plan totally failed. The drama started when we first got to camp. Maddy wet herself within like 5 mins! Oh my goodness. I thought we were in for it!
We went to our first activity and Maddy did REALLY well. They then decided to move us year 10 kids to a cabin on the other side of the camp... away from Maddy... away from Miss Bridge... So that was a little worrying but we figured out a new plan.
Night time came and we were sure there would be dramas! Well, guess who slept in the tent, with her friends, the entire night, NO drama!
I was so very proud!

Miss Maddy has come SO far, and I am so proud, so thrilled, so amazed.
We have our good days with her, and bad ones.
I have found 'working' with her to be an absolute pleasure!
There are no words to describe the way she makes me feel. To know that I am part of the reason she has come this far.



I have the opportunity to do it again.
A girl has started at my school and for privacy reasons I am not going to say her name! I'll just call her 'A' :)
A has A LOT of issues. She is in year 8 but has the mind of about a 5 or 6 year old.
She is very, very, very aggressive and has been expelled from a whole heap of schools. For the past 6 months she has not been on any school grounds. For over a year she has not been in a class room or out in the play ground with ANY other child.
Heart breaking? I think so!
I was nervous to meet her today. She was not what I expected. I expected to walk in and see a rough, rude child. I walked in and saw a girl sitting at the desk learning how to draw a margin down the edge of her page. She turned her head and looked into my eyes... and smiled. Miss Watts introduced me and asked her when the last time she had a friend come and visit. A told me it was over a year ago and she was going to go home and tell Mummy and Daddy she had a new friend. My heart shattered. Totally unexpected. I can not see how this little girl could lose her temper and resort to throwing brinks at people... but yes, it happens.
She is a high risk child. A very high risk. If anything happens I have to run. I will be seated near the door at all times. I need to make sure there is nothing she can throw at me. I need to make sure I can escape if things go wrong. And they go wrong quickly.
It can be her losing a game of uno against me, and she might lose it.
I don't know.
But I do know that this is a risk. But I also know it is worth it.
She deserves another chance. And if she stuffs it up, she deserves another one.
I am not going to give up on her.
Maddy has taught me persistence so much since I started working with her... Well, now I put this to a whole new level.
The level where I am in a bit of danger (I will have teachers with me at all times, so I should be OK, but only time will tell).
She is a risk. But she is worth it!

So, why?
Why did I help Maddy that day?
Why did I keep helping her?
Why do I want to put myself at risk to help 'A'?
Why would I do something I get nothing out of?

Well, the fact is, I get more out of it then they do. I don't know how to explain it. I used to think I did it because I want someone to be there if Oscar ever needs someone, but I'm not so sure if that is why. I do it to help them, but in actual fact, they help me. They shape me. They teach me. They push me to my limits. They scare me. They give me joy. They give me hope. THEY give me so much more then I could ever give them.

Maddy's progress is unbelievable! And I pray that 'A's' will be too!
I pray that she will be able to go into a class room with kids again. I pray that she will learn to control her temper. I pray that she will prove everyone wrong, just like Maddy did!

I really am so blessed to be apart of these girls miracles!